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He’s Everywhere III!: Dragon Quest Edition

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By Nelson Schneider - 03/02/19 at 06:06 PM CT

The first time I roasted Chris for his early-March birthday, I had to cut-down the large number of Chris-like people and creatures that inhabit the entirety of videogames to 10. In the next roast, I stuck with creatures from Nintendo’s ‘Pokemon’ franchise. This year, in honor of the recent release of “Dragon Quest 11” and upcoming Definitive Edition release of said game, I’ve chosen to pick out the top 10 most Chris-like monsters designed by Akira Toriyama for Enix’s venerable ‘Dragon Quest’ RPG franchise.

Thanks to Toriyama’s idiosyncratic drawing style and Chris’ idiosyncratic… everything, there is naturally a ton of overlap between fantasy and reality when it comes to observing Chris-ness in ‘Dragon Quest’ monsters. As a bit of trivia, the humble Slime has appeared in the number one spot in the bestiaries of every ‘Dragon Quest’ game… except “Dragon Quest 6,” for some reason… but the humble Slime will NOT be making an appearance on this list!

Without further ado:

A Chris draws near!

10. Watabou/Warubou (“Dragon Quest Monsters”)

"These two furry, little lumps are like two sides of the same coin in the spinoff ‘Dragon Quest Monsters’ series. Watabou represents Chris’ good side, the one that always buckles-down and does what’s required, while conscientiously helping out others when they need it. Warubou, though, is the side of Chris we usually see: Capricious, vindictive, and up to no good."

Command> Run
The Chris blocks thy escape!
The Chris did the Boxer Dance!
Thou couldn’t stop laughing.

9. Orc (“Dragon Quest 2”+)

"With its porcine features and luxurious coat of body hair, it’s easy to see the physical similarities between Toriyama’s take on Orcs and everyone’s favorite snout-wiggling, drain-clogging creature. But it’s time for an anecdote: Up until ‘Dragon Quest’ games were rendered in HD and 3D, I had no friggin’ idea what I was looking at when it came to Orcs. Sure they’d been around since the second game in the series, but looking at those lo-fi NES sprites and trying to puzzle out what I was fighting lead me to a completely wrong conclusion. I thought Orcs were burly, tunic-wearing folk with hawk-like heads. To me, it looked like the ear was an eye, the eyes were nostrils, and the snouty part of the muzzle just kind of blended into the thing’s shoulder, making it look like a beak. What’s the point of this anecdote? When dealing with both Orcs and Chris, it’s hard to tell exactly what you’re looking at."

Thou couldn’t stop laughing.
The Chris is assessing the situation.

8. Oniono (“Dragon Quest 6”+)

"The Oniono is a pretty basic Toriyama design. It’s essentially just a Slime that has been tweaked into a psychotic vegetable. That’s already all the Chris-ness we need, but anyone who knows Chris also knows he absolutely hates onions. It’s it some taboo against cannibalism?"

Thou couldn’t stop laughing.
The Chris chanted Explodet!
Not enough MP.

7. Goopi (“Dragon Quest 2”+)

"Every time I think about eating some chips or cookies out of an open package that belongs to Chris, I immediately experience a debilitating vision of one of these things going into the package ahead of me and touching everything inside, leaving behind a revolting layer of saliva and other digestive fluids. I then reconsider my desire for a snack. Of course, we all know Chris isn’t just a disgusting, filthy hand, which logically leads us to the conclusion that the rest of the Goopi that hides below the surface is a Mudraker."

Thou couldn’t stop laughing.
The Chris performed the Spooky Dance!
Thy magic points decreased by 99.

6. Hammerhood (“Dragon Quest 5”+)

"Squat and round with beady little eyes, Hammerhoods and their brethren already have the basics of Chris-ness nailed. I’m also fairly certain that the ‘hood’ that trails luxurious fur down their backs is part of their bodies, not clothing. On top of the physical resemblance, we’ve got some lore specific similarities: Chris and Hammerhoods are both stronger than they look, and both rely heavily on luck instead of skill to succeed, with Hammerhoods frequently employing a ‘critical or miss’ attack in combat."

Thou couldn’t stop laughing.
The Chris wound up for a terrible attack!

5. Cactiball (“Dragon Quest 5”+)

"Back in the realm of psychotic vegetables, we’ve got the Cactiball. Its very name embodies the concepts of ‘round’ and ‘prickly,’ which are two key Chris-like traits. Two more Chris-like traits are the thing’s deranged facial expression and prancing movements."

The Chris stared off into space.
Thou hast recovered thy senses.

4. Funghoul (“Dragon Quest 3”+)

"Is he an onion? Is he a cactus? Maybe? Or maybe he’s a mushroom. A confused, cross-eyed mushroom whose body language just screams, “Uh, I dunno.” Yeah, definitely a mushroom. At this point, the resemblances start to become uncanny."

Command> Run
The Chris blocks thy escape!
The Chris emits a strange scent!
Thou art confused!

3. Lump Wizard (“Dragon Quest 3”+)

"Oh, no! Chris became a nudist and converted to Wicca! Oh, wait, it’s just a Lump Wizard. Aside from this monster’s lack of body hair and alleged expertise in magic (a.k.a., computer programming), the resemblance is frightening. We’ve got the sags, wrinkles, eye bags, secondary and tertiary chins… the whole shebang. Maybe Chris is a pallet swap of the Lump Wizard known as the Lump Lump?"

Command> Run
Thou art confused! Thou attacked the Chris!
The Chris giggled insanely.

2. King Slime (“Dragon Quest 4”+)

"Why isn’t the humble Slime on this list? Because Chris is far too grandiose in his Chris-ness to be a mere Slime! Just look at those chubby cheeks, that doughy face, and those vacant eyes. No, Chris is not just a humble Slime, he’s their damned king!"

Command> Run
Thou art confused! Thou attacked thyself!
Thy hit points decreased by 30.
The Chris chanted Kamikaze!
Thy hit points decreased by 9999!

1. Calasmos (“Dragon Quest 11”)

"Upon reaching the end of the incredibly-well-done epilogue in “Dragon Quest 11,” the party must confront and defeat an ancient evil from beyond time. This colossus enters battle wearing what appears to be some sort of gas mask, leaving its identity a mystery (as it has been for the entire game). However, as the party of heroes, led by the Luminary, damages this villain, the mask begins to crack and break apart, before finally falling off completely to reveal… CHRIS! It’s truly shocking, I know, to see an actual humanoid monster, and a super-awesome secret-final-boss, as the top Chris-like being in ‘Dragon Quest,’ but there it is."

Thou art dead.

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