By Nelson Schneider - 03/27/16 at 03:45 PM CT
When you are best friends with someone for a quarter of a century, you really get to know them. And, as is universally known, familiarity breeds contempt. As only children, MeltedJoystick’s Community Manager (and database slave), Chris and I are practically brothers, so some good-natured brotherly ribbing is not unexpected… especially when someone seems to go out of their way to be as bizarre as Chris. My familiarity with his idiosyncratic looks and habits has conditioned me to see Chris-ness and Chris-like behavior everywhere, from the Warhammer Fantasy universe’s Squigs to Universal Pictures’ Minions to “Southpark’s” Eric Cartman. I often see these resemblances in videogame characters as well. Inspired by my recent exposure to the number one character on the following list, and in honor of Chris’ birthday at the beginning of March, I’m mildly-annoyed to present a Belated Birthday Roast for MeltedJoystick’s favorite indistinct lump. I only used one rule in the compilation of this list: The characters in question must have appeared in a videogame before any other medium.
"The very first time I reached the end of a Bowser castle in “Super Mario Bros.” and saw the short little mushroom guy sitting on his ass, telling me that the princess was in another castle, I saw the resemblance… and irritated Chris by pointing it out. As he has developed in Nintendo’s mythos, Toad has only become more Chris-like, with his squeaky voice, slow walking speed, and inability to keep himself out of trouble."
"I was not actually familiar with this character through direct experience, as 3D ‘Castlevania’ games suck harder than HAL Labs’ Kirby (who was, coincidentally, in the running for this list but didn’t make the final cut) and the chupacabras in 2D ‘Castlevania’ games are completely different. However, when Chris and I were looking through the PSN store gaping at the rapacious prices Sony dared to charge for digital avatars, we came across this guy and, needless to say, both saw the resemblance (and Chris dropped a hard-earned 49 cents for the avatar, which he still uses). Of course, Chupacabra’s Chris-ness goes beyond his looks, as according to the ‘Castlevania’ Wiki, this character is an immortal trickster and hoarder of shiny objects. Aside from the immortal part, that’s Chris in a nutshell."
"You might be wondering why this character made the final cut. Chris is neither big, nor a daddy, so what does he have in common with this diving-suited behemoth? Well, the Big Daddy’s stooped posture and plodding gait are somewhat Chris-like, but anyone who has been on Steam chat with Chris will be familiar with the strongest similarities: Their labored breathing and incoherent moaning noises. Mysteriously, Chris also shares the Big Daddies’ almost supernatural affinity for small children. For some reason kids love him… animals too!"
"I’ll just let the game’s text speak for itself: “You think you see a somewhat cute, abstract creature with a key in its hand prance by.” I can’t think of a better way to describe Chris, especially on a dating website. Chris loves Japanese girls (and who can blame him?), and Japanese girls love “somewhat cute, abstract, prancing creatures” – hence the popularity of the Minions in the Land of the Rising Sun, and the fact that almost every anime and manga features some such mascot character. The Gremlin even has his own amazing theme music, which reminds me so much of Chris that I use it as my ringtone whenever he calls my cell."
"Mog, and by extension all moogles, have the essential Chris traits: Short, round, fuzzy, somewhat strange. Mog from “Final Fantasy 6” takes the resemblance a couple notches further with his love of solo dancing and the fact that he is best friends with an anti-social giant who lives in a cave (see, I can be self-deprecating too). Of course, the Mog from “FF6” isn’t the only Mog that resembles Chris, as “Final Fantasy 7’s” Golden Saucer arcade contained a mini-game called ‘Mog House,’ featuring a moogle who could eat so many Kupo Nuts that he’d become too fat to fly. Interestingly, before moogles were characters, ‘moogled’ was a status ailment in “The Final Fantasy Adventure,” which prevented the player from doing anything besides waddling around until it wore off."
"Bomber is the alter ego of Biggs, a mushroom man inhabiting the City of Colors. Biggs and Bomber both share Chris’ general laziness and semi-fungal biology, and they will stand around doing nothing forever if given a chance. They do hop to attention if someone whistles at them, but need constant supervision to keep them engaged in a given task. Bomber, being the shorter, more rotund version, bears a physical resemblance to Chris, especially with his stocking cap-like helmet, but the two are also similar in how they express their emotions. Bomber grunts and whines pathetically while being manhandled into the right location and with little provocation will run off screaming before exploding in an angry/terrified/depressed outburst. He also serves in the City of Color’s navy… as canon ammunition. (Chris, never join the navy!)"
"As a member of the Votan alien race known as Liberata within the “Defiance” universe, Varus naturally has a lot of physical resemblances to Chris. All Liberata, regardless of gender, are short, rotund, and hairy. Good old Varus is completely unlike Chris in a lot of ways, though, such as being thrifty to a fault and fabulously wealthy as a result of cutthroat business practices. But underlying both Varus’ and Chris’ cheery and disarming exteriors are smoldering tempers and a love of violence that typically gets handwaved away with a hearty chuckle."
"Being small, round, pale, and malleable, Chris and the Blob have plenty of physical resemblances. But the biggest thing they have in common is their love of ketchup. In order to position the Blob in his games, the Boy must typically throw a ketchup-flavored jellybean at the spot where he wants the Blob to “catch up.” The Blob will literally appear out of nowhere to make sure that delicious ketchup flavor doesn’t go to waste… and Chris is the same way. The Blob also takes on different, more useful forms depending on what flavor of jellybean he is given. Chris works the same way, except he transforms when given different flavors of vodka. I have seen Chris transform from a splayed, lifeless blob into an energetic social butterfly through the application of cherry vodka (cherry = cheery?). I’m going to have to try out a ketchup vodka on him sometime and see what happens (or maybe that’s too close to a Bloody Mary…)."
"I have to throw Chris a bone here since he’s being a good sport about this entire article. Of course, Salvador, being a stocky, burly, gun-toting badass isn’t how the world sees Chris, but how he sees himself. Maybe if Salvador went (more) insane and became a Loot Midget, hiding in boxes of garbage and giggling maniacally when discovered, the resemblance would be stronger."
"When I first encountered Tatsu in “Xenoblade Chronicles X,” I couldn’t help but think of the ‘In Marge We Trust’ episode of “The Simpsons.” In that episode, Homer is completely taken aback when he comes across a Japanese detergent mascot that looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM. It turns out that the character, Mr. Sparkle, was actually created by a Japanese artist combining a lightbulb with a fish, but the result looked so much like Homer it was uncanny. Tatsu is Chris’ Mr. Sparkle. They are both short, round, covered in blonde fur, bespectacled, and possess ridiculous cowlicks. Tatsu also serves as the player’s team mascot throughout the game, taking credit for all sorts of positive outcomes in situations where he literally did nothing or ran away and hid. Like Chris, Tatsu is a pacifist who thinks he’s a complete badass, and like Tatsu, Chris is frequently mistaken for a vegetable."
Comments
Chris Kavan - wrote on 03/28/16 at 09:00 PM CT
I prefer Salvador because he also has quite the temper - as anyone who has witnessed me playing any video game can concur. I don't think ketchup-flavored vodka would really go over well - I prefer something that's a bit easier to mix (chocolate, cherry and the like are much better). And I prefer not to know how I taste exactly... but hopefully it's not as bad as poison poop - though maybe that would totally help in zombie apocalypse because if I taste that bad, zombies would just avoid me in favor of something more flavorful.
