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Goat Simulator   PC 

The Best Game About Being a Goat Ever Made    3.5/5 stars

It's a joke that managed to become a real game (thanks to the many voices clamoring for it to be real). Yes, Goat Simulator is a real thing - no joke. But what is Goat Simulator, exactly? Well, it's an open-world game of mayhem and goat-inspired madness where you terrorize people, get hit by cars, break stuff, fly, get stuck in the ground, find hidden secrets, blow up things, launch 1000 feet across the world, swim, sink, rack up an obscene amount of points - and so much more. It's pointless, yes, all of it is entirely pointless but for the right price, does it ever provide so much entertainment.

Presentation: This is a flawed game - on purpose. So you won't find outstanding graphics or amazing sound or music - but you will find a ton of glitches - most of which I believe are intentional. This is a game to pick up and enjoy randomly - it's all about running around, destroying things, finding random objects (like a jetpack, crown, super goat-devil summoning powers and other surprises) and walking up ladders with your neck. It's not supposed to be polished and it isn't and that is its charm.

Story: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! No really, I believe this a modern retelling of Shakespeare's greatest stories mixed in with some of the deepest philosophy of our times - and with a healthy dose of deep religious undertones to boot. It's so deep, in fact, it's actually about nothing at all - wow - I think I just blew my own mind.

Gameplay: You're a goat. Yup. That's you all right - goat. Walk around (on four legs or two - your choice). Lick things. Ram things (people, tables, fences, cars, windows, poles, etc), break into houses and destroy them. Blow up a gas station and get the Michael Bay achievement, find a jet pack and fly haphazardly all over the place, find the ball-shooting machine and shoot balls at things, find the hidden goat kingdom and gain the terrible power to summon goats at will, find Deadmou5 hosting a party and get an awesome Deadmou5 head, jump on trampolines and mattresses, slide down a water slide, blow up cars and trucks like it ain't no thing, get run over by the same, find a huge boulder and crash a party, collect random goat icons, get a crown, ride a roller coaster or Ferris wheel, get stuck in the environment and reset the game - do all this and so much more! Does this lead to any revelations or great story? No! But is it a fun way to spend 15-40 minutes of your time? Oh, hell yes. Some may say it's stupid, and a waste of time and money, but those people just don't know how to have fun.

Replayability: Whenever I feel bored with life in general, man this game will cheer me right up. Goat carnage for everyone!

Overall:

Presentation: 3/5
Story: N/A
Gameplay: 3/5
Replayability: 5/5
Overall (not an average): 3.5/5

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Nelson Schneider- wrote on 12/20/14 at 03:19 AM CT   You only think this is fun because of all the brain cells you killed with vodka screwdrivers in college.