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Trump Unknowingly Touts Videogame Mechanic as COVID-19 Cure

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By Nelson Schneider - 04/26/20 at 03:10 PM CT

The wholly-unqualified, perpetually-bankrupt (both financially and ethically), conspiracy-mongering, insult-flinging President of the United States (and sometimes Troll Doll), Donald J. Trump doesn’t like videogames. And he will gladly throw the medium under the bus whenever he can use such action to gain brownie points with the religious fundamentalist nut-jobs in his voting base (such as when a mass shooting can be attributed to the shooter’s love of gaming instead of Jesus). However, this past week, President Clown inadvertently came up with a solution to the COVID-19 pandemic, which has been sweeping the world and crashing economies for months now, that comes straight from the unspeakable world of gaming.

Speaking at a Federal Coronavirus briefing, Trump – whose vocabulary is largely limited to the words “tremendous,” “beautiful,” “powerful,” and a small handful of other similar adjectives – was impressed by the ability of both disinfectants and UV light to destroy the virus on surfaces. While most of the mainstream media was shocked and appalled that Trump mindlessly advocated the idea of injecting the human body with bleach-based disinfectant – and judging by the typical level of common sense and intellectual prowess displayed by his voting base, they’ll probably start doing it in droves, just because he suggested it – I thought another quote from the briefing was far more amusing.

“So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous — whether it’s ultraviolet or very powerful light. Supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.”

Hitting the human body with tremendously powerful light, you say? As in “light” with a capital “L”? And finding a way to put said Light directly inside the body? I think I know someone who can help with that:



Yes, Trump’s brilliant revelation for how to cure COVID-19 is to transform everyone into Guardians, a la the ‘Destiny’ franchise. For those not in the know, Guardians are dead people who have been suffused by the magical Light emanated by an alien sphere (and Neo-Platonic Demiurge stand-in) known as The Traveler. This Light is controlled and directed/channeled by small, floating digital personal assistants known as ‘Ghosts,’ and makes Guardians effectively immortal and impervious to harm and disease… in exchange for their memories and fertility.

Perhaps we’ll finally see the Defense Production Act put into effect in order to force Apple, Google, and Amazon to add “Light Channeling” as a feature to Siri, Alexa, and Okay Google.

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Matt

Wrote on04/27/20 at 08:05 PM CT

This is hilarious. Bungie should file a lawsuit against the POTUS for stealing their IP.

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