By Nelson Schneider - 06/15/14 at 02:29 AM CT

Last year’s E3 is a tough act to follow with regard to how NOT to do E3, despite hosting the debuts of two 8th Generation consoles and the accompanying hype. Every press conference last year essentially amounted to a company spokesman coming on stage, taking a dump, then pointing at the steaming mound and singing, “Tada!” Sony managed to win the hearts and minds of gamers and the press simply by producing the least smelly heap of offal (read: not the XBONE). Over the course of the year, Microsoft managed to flush most of their mislaid movements (though the smell still lingers), and Nintendo managed to squeeze a few releases past its constipating blockage. Needless to say, my hopes were not high for E3 2014 to provide anything better. Thankfully, I was surprised this year, as every console had at least one exclusive game that I would be excited to play.

Microsoft:
Want: Microsoft to stop making consoles (still!), “Ori and the Blind Forest”
Not Sure if Want: “Project Spark” (for Windows 8.1) (still!)
Do Not Want: “Halo,” “Halo 2,” “Halo 3,” “Halo 4,” “Halo 5,” dedicated servers

Microsoft continues to disappoint with a lackluster slate of multi-platform releases, predictable exclusives like “Forza” and “Halo: The Master Chief Collection,” and a complete lack of justification for the XBONE’s existence. At least “Project Spark,” which looked pretty spiffy at last year’s E3 is still going strong, and has been revealed to be an unbelievably robust game creation platform, not just an RPG-ified rip-off of Sony’s ‘LittleBigPlanet’ franchise. I’m still a bit dubious about “Project Spark’s” ease of use and unknown amount of professionally-created content, since my experience with ‘LittleBigPlanet’ has taught me that creating a great stage takes insane amounts of time and effort… so the vast majority of user-created stages are garbage. “Project Spark” is still coming to the Windows Store, so I’ll still have a chance to experience it if I decide it’s worth the cash.

MS’ other stand-out exclusives include “Sunset Overdrive,” which was also revealed long before E3 2014. It has a bit too much parkour for my liking and the (non-main) character in the trailer is excessively grating and obnoxious, but at least the game has color and style, which is not something that can be said for the vast majority of the XBONE’s games (or even the vast majority of games debuting at E3 this year). The MS-published Indie title, “Ori and the Blind Forest” also looks amazingly stylish and potentially fun.

Of course, no matter what MS does, they can’t win in my book. If they create XBONE exclusives, I will cry foul that they are ignoring Windows. If they create multi-platform releases on Windows and Xbox platforms, I will continue to decry their consoles as redundant and irrelevant.

Nintendo:
Want: “Smash Bros” for WiiU (still!), Open-world “Zelda,” “Mario Maker,” “Yoshi’s Woolly World”
Not Sure if Want: “Xenoblade Chronicles X,” “Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker,” “Hyrule Warriors”
Do Not Want: “Kirby and the Rainbow Curse,” “Mario Party 10,” “Splatoon,” “Bayonetta 2,” Amiibo, 3DS, 2015 release dates

Nintendo certainly brought a lot to bear in their digital press conference, including some extremely snarky “Robot Chicken” style lead-in segments and an epic “DragonBall Z” style battle between Iwata and Reggie. Showmanship aside, Nintendo focused this year’s E3 firmly on the WiiU, barely mentioning the 3DS outside of its version of “Smash Bros.” and a remake of “Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire.”

This kind of attention is exactly what the WiiU needed, with a slew of first-party games ranging from new takes on beloved franchises to all-new IPs with novel gameplay concepts. Out of the mix of WiiU games shown, I’m moderately-to-extremely excited about most of them. Of course, like every other Japanese company, Nintendo is attempting to pander to the West by making the next ‘Zelda’ game open-world, and jumping into the insanely popular shooter genre with “Splatoon.” Unfortunately, instead of a solid single-player game with multi-player/co-op optional, “Splatoon” will be a kid-friendly take on the obsolete and awful online-based arena shooters currently dominated by “Team Fortress 2.” Sadly, barely any of these impressive-looking titles will see the light of day in 2014, leaving WiiU owners to play the waiting game yet again.

The real big news out of Nintendo at E3, however, wasn’t games, but toys. Nintendo revealed a new line of figurines called “Amiibo,” which look to be a Nintendo-fied take on the “Skylanders” and “Disney Infinity” figures. These toys will be compatible with a number of Nintendo’s first-party titles, starting with “Smash Bros.,” where they will be usable as trainable AI battlers very similar to the ‘Gran Turismo’ franchise’s B-Spec racers. Supposedly “Mario Kart 8” will get Amiibo support shortly after the toys launch, which will make the comparison to ‘GT’ even more apropos. I can’t say I’m thrilled about the idea of Amiibo. Maybe I’m too old, but my days of collecting toys/miniatures/figurines are in the past. I’ll still buy the occasional D&D/Warhammer/etc. model to paint and use as a prop in a D&D game, but I almost always balk at the price. We currently have no idea how much Amiibos will cost, but based on a quick Amazon search of “Skylanders” and “Disney Infinity,” I would say $10-$15 a pop wouldn’t be surprising. I’m holding out hope that Nintendo’s Amiibo-compatible games won’t be unplayable/unbalanced without dropping the cash for the toys.


Sony:
Want: “LittleBigPlanet 3,” Project Morpheus, “Ratchet & Clank: The Movie”
Not Sure if Want: PlayStation 4 (still!), PlayStation TV
Do Not Want: PlayStation Now, Sony’s “Vision for the Future of Gaming and Entertainment”

Sony’s press event started off rubbing me the wrong way when Andrew House declared that Sony’s “Vision” of gaming is that PlayStation is the “best” place to play because “best” means “connected, highest visual quality, choice, and not being a ‘lone gamer,’ but a member of an extensive community of rivals and friends.” Indeed, Sony’s definition of “best” is the polar opposite of mine (aside from ‘choice,’ which seems at odds with all of Sony’s recent actions, like forcing PS4 owners to pay for PSN).

What followed this awkward first step was nearly two hours of Sony harping on… multi-platform games that will either launch slightly earlier or contain some timed-exclusive DLC on PlayStation platforms. Thankfully, Sony was also able to show a good amount of actually-exclusive PlayStation 4 games to tempt the audience.

Sony’s revealed exclusives ran the gamut of genres with a little bit of something for everyone… well almost everyone. During a protracted Q&A session where a presenter read letters written to Sony by fans, I was disgusted that there was not a single mention of Sony’s disregard for RPGs during the 7th Generation. Of course, with nothing to show in that genre for the PS4, sweeping that problem under the rug at E3 is the only sensible course of action. Aside from that, Sony showed a bunch of sequels and remasters, as well as a couple of new IPs that all fall into the grimdarkgritty category that appeals primarily to the mainstream. At least “LittleBigPlanet” and “Ratchet & Clank” aren’t dead… though the audience reaction to Insomniac’s amazing franchise was lukewarm at best (heathens!).

Sony also discussed three significant additions to the PlayStation platform: PlayStation Now, PlayStation TV, and Project Morpheus. Unfortunately, they spent exactly the opposite amount of time they should have discussing each, with the God-tier-Internet-limited, cash-siphoning PlayStation Now getting the most attention (It’s coming to Vita and PS3! More victims customers to tap!) and the VR capabilities of Project Morpheus only mentioned in passing. I’m still on the fence about the Vita TV, which was revealed for North American release as the PlayStation TV, since there are still zero Vita games I would pay money for and no UMD slot for PSP games.

Other:
Want: “Destiny,” “The Witcher 3,”
Not Sure if Want: “No Man’s Sky,” “Dragon Age: Inquisition”
Do Not Want: Almost everything that was on display.

The third-party showings at E3 were significantly disappointing. Not only was there very little on display that was truly new, but it seems that the third-party genre glut and obsession with mainstream pandering that defined the 7th Generation isn’t going to budge in the 8th.

“Destiny” and “The Witcher 3” look to be shaping up into games worth considering (though it’s sinful that no PC version of “Destiny” has been announced). Likewise, “No Man’s Sky” and “Dragon Age: Inquisition” look like they have potential, though I am leery of both procedurally generated content and anything by post-EA Bioware.

Aside from those, everything displayed by third-parties left me completely underwhelmed at the saminess and mainstream-pandering nature of it all. But really, the biggest crime committed by third-parties at E3 is the fact that Japanese developers were practically no-shows as a nation! Sure, we saw another ‘Metal Gear Solid’ from Konami, a Suda 51 mind-frack, and a bunch of stuff from Nintendo, but where was everyone else? Did Capcom have no rehashes to beat into the ground (besides their self-deprecating “Dead Rising 3” DLC)? Did Square Enix have nothing to redeem its disastrous showing last year? What about Sega; surely one of their IPs is getting a sequel between now and 2015?

The reason so many third-party games feel so bland and derivative of each other is because they are all being produced by Western developers (and paid for by Western publishers) and are developing a severe case of Hollywood Syndrome, where everything must be dark, gritty, and nearly identical in order to appeal to the unwashed masses who didn’t start gaming until the 6th or 7th Generation and thus expect a high-production-value spectacle instead of an engaging experience.