By Nelson Schneider - 04/06/14 at 05:10 PM CT

Welcome to another look into the near future. As April Fools spring up all around us, I'd like to take a few moments to think back to the few games that recently managed to fool me into thinking they looked worthy of a purchase. The old saying states that a picture is worth 1,000 words, but pictures and video can also be quite deceptive. Recently, I added both “The Witch and the Hundred Knights” and “Tower of Guns” to my Wish List based solely upon watching gameplay videos and looking at screenshots that showed what looked like fun gameplay. However, upon reading the developers’ and gamers' descriptions of these titles, I recoiled in revulsion. Beneath the appealing looking surface revealed via video, “The Witch and the Hundred Knights” turns out to be just another super-grindy, unbalanced NIS-style RPG, while “Tower of Guns” is a procedurally generated FPS inspired by roguelikes and “The Binding of Isaac” which can be completed in 1 hour… if the random number generator decides it will allow the player to complete the game in that particular session. Neither of these games’ vile underlying mechanics can be seen at a cursory glance, which is why detailed reviews and accurate descriptions are so important to the medium.

But what about the new games for fools coming in April? There are plenty of them! But the most foolish of them all is an Indie game that would seem to be an April Fools joke, but sadly is not: “Goat Simulator” is about as much a sim game as “Surgeon Simulator 2013,” only this time the player takes on the identity of a glitchy goat running around a sandbox environment in the style of the “Tony Hawk: Pro Skater” games… combined with a heavy dose of the “Jackass” TV series. *sigh*

But “Goat Simulator” isn’t the only piece of garbage trying to convince people to part with their hard-earned cash. The lost-in-time “Rambo” game, no-budget Sony joke “Putty Squad,” and girly-for-its-own-sake “LEGO Friends” have all been pushed back AGAIN, leaving me to wonder if their developers and publishers realize the monstrosities they have created and are leery of unleashing such horror upon the world. There are also non-delayed licensed/shovelware titles tying-into the new ‘Spider Man’ movie as well as a LEGO treatment of the ‘Hobbit’ movies. Disney is gracing the 3DS with a “Magical World” game (which might have been worth a second look back in the 1990s when Capcom made good Disney games, but no longer), and the WiiU is finally getting a new exclusive in the form of “Hello Kitty Kruisers.”

April also seems to be the start of sports season, as there are plenty of new annual sports releases covering baseball, soccer, and moto-cross. For those who missed out on 2014’s basketball franchise, there’s even a bundle that covers both baseball AND basketball for a mere $90. For those who like to keep their sports casual, Microsoft has produced a “WiiSports” rip-off for the XBONE and the Kinect 2 called “Kinect Sports Rivals.” System seller? Nope!

The number of non-shovelware multi-platform games coming in April is surprisingly sparse… non-existent, even! There is exactly ONE multi-platform release, “Child of Light,” which is a turn-based RPG (awesome!) by Ubisoft (NOT awesome!). Aside from that there’s just a compilation of old ‘Darksiders’ games… and a few ports. “Halo: Spartan Assault” is coming to PC from Xbox Live, “Dark Souls 2” is coming from consoles to PC (where the Master Race will surely appreciate the franchise’s awfulness), “Final Fantasy 14 Online: A Realm Reborn” has finally been Beta tested enough on PC to move to PS4, “Titanfall” is traveling back in time to grace the Xbox 360 in addition to the PC and XBONE, and – to close the compilation bookends – a “Red Faction Collection” is hitting the PS3.

With nothing new available for multiple platforms, surely there must be a ton of exclusives to take up the slack? Nope, again! Sony is pushing “Ragnarok Odyssey ACE” out the door after a bit of a delay, and the PS3 is getting a new ‘JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure’ game. The PC is getting a new entry in the obscure ‘Wargame’ franchise and early access (read: Alpha testing) of Bethesda’s “Elder Scrolls Online,” which will be coming to the PS4 and XBONE in December (provided it hasn’t tanked and gone free-to-play by then).

The handhelds are looking extremely barren in April, with the 3DS getting only one potentially-not-shovelware release – some sort of weird, niche Atlus RPG – and SHARING it with the Vita! The Vita is getting another weird, niche NIS RPG as an exclusive, marking the first month the Vita has ever out-done the 3DS in releases!

Message board denizens have been telling me for years that if I want to play RPGs, I’ll need to stick with handhelds… yet the only QUALITY RPGs on handhelds have been ports of old games I played years ago on their original platforms. It doesn’t look like the quality of NEW handheld RPGs will be improving any time soon, as long as the likes of NIS and Atlus are the only companies producing any volume of new titles. But at least “Child of Light” looks to be a solid attempt at the genre, so I’ll definitely give it a shot… though I’m sure I’ll have to deal with Uplay layered on top of Steam in order to play it. Other than that one tiny glimmer of light, April looks to be an overwhelmingly depressing month of shovelware and ports. I feel really sorry for anyone who purchased a PS4 or XBONE as, true to my prediction, those two platforms have been experiencing a WiiU-caliber game drought since the start of the new year. The 8th Generation may have started in earnest, but when the 7th Generation platforms are still getting the lion’s share of releases, it is evidence that something has gone horribly awry.

Backlog Embiggened: +1