By Nelson Schneider - 03/07/14 at 01:48 PM CT

Welcome to another look into the near future. March marks the de-constipation of the game development industry, as the backed-up release schedule that traditionally marks the start of a new calendar year suddenly gives way in a diarrheal flow of excrement. Let’s put on our hip-waders and run a seine through the flow – maybe we’ll catch some unseen goodness in our net (don’t count on it)!

Shovelware and licensed trash makes up a significant portion of March’s releases. And a close look at the crappiest of the crap reveals some disturbing trends. Least disturbing is the release of a new ‘South Park’ game which happens to be a turn-based RPG. My love of the genre is clashing with my distaste for the license in this case, so I will ultimately give it a pass. More disturbing is the release of a game based on “Rambo.” Why is a tie-in to a Sylvester Stallone vehicle from the ‘80s that saw a remake in 2008 being released in 2014? I guess it doesn’t really matter, as the presence of ‘The Video Game’ in the title ensures its quality! Next, some shovelware developers are practicing their necromancy (hopefully not their necrophilia) by releasing yet another singing game on the Wii and a Lego game on the DS. Yes, the Wii and DS, not the WiiU and 3DS… *sigh* Most disturbing of all in this month’s shovelware are two ‘combination packs’ being released by D3 Publisher, containing amazing animated movie tie-ins that were apparently so unpopular in the first place that the publisher decided to stick two discs/cartridges in one box in an attempt to unload them… at least I HOPE that’s the case. If D3 actually went to the effort of creating new, combined disc images and pressed a bunch of new copies, they are contributing nothing but evil to an industry that already contains plenty.

Unfortunately, the shovelware manufacturers aren’t the only ones pushing awful, unnecessary compilations this month. Square Enix is starting off the regular multi-platform releases with a compilation of “Final Fantasy 10” and “Final Fantasy 10-2,” the two dreadful games that started the company down the rabbit hole of releasing direct sequels to their worst ‘Final Fantasy’ games instead of starting the story from scratch each time. Aside from that travesty, the old, tired 7th Gen consoles (and sometimes PC) are getting another sequel to the intentionally obtuse ‘Demon’s/Dark Souls’ franchise, and some sort of ‘Ninja Gaiden’ sequel that only puts the franchise name in the subtitle. Then there’s the 7th/8th Gen crossover release of another ‘Metal Gear Solid’ game, further feeding the controversy of whether or not the 8th Gen consoles serve any purpose whatsoever. Outside of sequels, the two Xbox consoles (the 360 and the BONE) and PC are getting a new online-multiplayer-only shooter that combines guns and giant robots, called “Titanfall.” But the release that has me the most interested is the completely unsubstantiated rumor that “Pier Solar HD” will start to trickle onto a couple of digital platforms (and maybe the Dreamcast!) this month. Of course, given Watermelon’s track record, I’ll be expecting “Pier Solar HD” to be hand-delivered by Jesus Christ, Moses, Mohammed, and Buddha (i.e., never gonna happen).

In the world of exclusives, Sony, once again, appears to be putting in the most effort. Indeed, living up to their traditional way of doing things, the PS3 is getting more exclusive releases each month after its official obsolescence than it did during its long, tortured life. It’s like Sony consoles are artists who starve or commit suicide due to how unappreciated they are, but suddenly become highly appreciated after they’re dead. The PS3 in March is getting the interesting-looking “Witch and the Hundred Knights,” yet another ‘Atelier’ game (WHY?! This is, like, FOUR in one generation!), a new(ish) version of “BlazBlue,” and the delayed release of last month’s no-budget “Putty Squad” (on every Sony platform). The PS4, to its credit, is getting ONE new exclusive: A sequel to “Infamous.” Of course, the XBONE is also getting a measly ONE exclusive in March: A new ‘Zoo Tycoon’ game… Yeah, Sony wins this one. But at least both the PS4 and XBONE are doing better than the WiiU in March, as Nintendo is, once again, providing ZERO new exclusives for their struggling non-handheld. Of course, there are two new exclusives coming to the 3DS: A compilation of smartphone favorite, “Cut the Rope” and a new ‘Yoshi’s Island’ game called… “Yoshi’s New Island.” Putting ‘new’ in the titles of your rehashed games doesn’t make it so, Nintendo! Setting consoles and handhelds aside, the PC seems to be getting back to its wheelhouse, with two bland Strategy releases, “Age of Wonders 3” and “Men of War: Assault Squad 2,” but also a unique, mould-breaking FPS in the form of “Tower of Guns.”

Filtering through the hot mess of March’s releases leaves me with a handful of games to look forward to, as well as a few that are tempting, but ultimately will take a pass. I’d love to play a giant robot FPS, but “Titanfall’s” focus on being nothing but an online deathmatch means I have no interest in it. Likewise, “South Park: The Stick of Truth” has been receiving praise in early reviews, but I usually spend more time facepalming than laughing during any given episode of the TV show. I’m really excited about the potential to see “Pier Solar HD” on the WiiU, Dreamcast, etc., but I don’t think it will actually happen this month. Thus I’m left with “Witch and the Hundred Knights” and “Tower of Guns” as my only picks for March. I just hope that “Witch and the Hundred Knights” isn’t as grindy and tedious as most NIS games, and that “Tower of Guns” isn’t an unpolished Indie trainwreck.

Backlog Embiggened: +2 (+3 if “Pier Solar HD” isn’t vaporware)