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By Nelson Schneider - 06/06/21 at 06:34 PM CT
‘Star Trek’ as an IP has been struggling for a good many years. Even now as the newly-reunited CBS-Paramount throws ever-more barrels of money at it, the new flagship series, “Star Trek: Discovery” has the lowest ratings among viewers on IMDB and Metacritic in series history. But “Discovery” is really just the small, cherry-shaped turd atop a large turd sundae with turd sauce, stretching back through the somewhat-nonsensical-but-at-least-watchable ‘Nu-Trek’ J. J. Abrams movies, through the UPN-exclusive “Star Trek: Enterprise,” all the way back to the launch of “Star Trek: Voyager” in 1995, which is really where the IP first started to sink (or stink) when compared to the critic-and-fan-beloved series – “Next Generation” and “Deep Space Nine” – that came before.
As videogames, ‘Star Trek’ has always struggled to find its footing, with some terrible SNES and early PC outings. These days, ‘Trek’ videogaming is largely kept alive by two tentpoles: MMO, “Star Trek: Online” and Mobile Live Service Gachapon Machine, “Star Trek: Timelines,” the latter of which Nick and I continue to play, against my better judgment.
Between the awfulness of “Discovery” and the all-series mashup that is “Timelines,” the idea came to me, “What if we put all the worst characters from the entirety of ‘Trek’ history on one ship… and then sent them to the Epsilon Quadrant (a place that does not exist) to investigate a black hole (which will hopefully destroy the ship)?” Here’s what I came up with:
Captain: Wesley Crusher"In the immortal words of Jean-Luc Picard, “Shut-up, Wesley!” Wesley Crusher was the insufferable, know-it-all son of the Enterprise-D’s Chief Medical Officer, who worked his way from a lowly cadet to an ensign before the hatred of the fans got him kicked off the ship and sent back to Star Fleet Academy. These qualifications make him the perfect candidate to lead the rest of these idiots. The actor, Will Wheaton, who brought Wesley to life has even grown an impressive Riker-esque beard in his middle age, which will grant him even more auctoritas as he reprises the role."
Number One: Sylvia Tilly"Like Captain Crusher, Tilly started aboard the Discovery as a lowly ensign, but instead of being insufferably overconfident, she constantly second-guesses herself, doesn’t share useful ideas/information when it would help the most, and can’t control her emotions. Thanks to “Discovery’s” Woke writing staff, Tilly is portrayed as more autistic than necessary, but in such a patronizing manner that she comes across as an insult to introverts and autists across the board."
Ensign: Reginald Barclay"Good old Reggie was officially a lieutenant when he appeared in various ‘Trek’ shows, but I’m busting his ass down to ensign. As a neurotic basket case and the dictionary definition of ‘anal retentive,’ Barclay is the type of person who would be better suited to a desk job at Star Fleet Command than any position aboard a ship."
Helm: Tom Paris"This smug, annoying, DoucheBro’s shining moment was when he traveled at 10x the speed of light and was able to perceive the entire universe at once. He then proceeded to mutate into a cross between a turd and Jar-Jar Binks, before kidnapping his captain, both of them evolving into giant catfish, and then breeding a new generation of hu-fish. Good job, Tommy!"
Communications: Neelix"Neelix must have been written into “Voyager” in an attempt to appeal to the anime fans of the ‘90s who were swapping “Sailor Moon” and “DragonBall” fansubs on bootleg VHS, since he’s the epitome of the useless, annoying Japanese mascot character which exists in every anime. However, the fact that he loves to meet new people and literally never stops talking would make him the perfect coms officer for this ship of fools."
Security: Tuvok"Tuvok is, without a doubt, the worst Vulcan crew member in ‘Trek’ history. Besides the politically correct decision to cast a Black actor into the role (giving no in-universe justification for why Vulcan regional phenotypes would be the same as human variations – I guess we should count our lucky stars that there are no Black Andorians), the show-runners didn’t even cast a good actor! To top it off, Tuvok is the root of far too many avoidable problems that occur over the course of “Voyager’s” overarching plot, either due to his inability to control his emotions (due to a disease) or some other contrived reason."
Science Officer: Paul Stamets"The Woke writers for “Star Trek: Discovery” love to completely ignore Gene Roddenberry’s original vision of a utopian future in order to slather contemporary Woke ‘problems’ all over the 22nd through 30th centuries. The Original Sin committed in the creation of “Discovery” is the idea that the titular experimental science vessel would be crewed by Star Fleet’s biggest over-achievers, when Roddenberry’s original vision was that EVERYONE would be highly educated and capable due to the free distribution of knowledge and technology. Where older ‘Trek’ series were basically ‘Competence Porn,’ allowing the intelligent, idealistic, and nerdy audience to fantasize about how great it would be if everyone just did what they were good at, “Discovery” is all about the clash of egos between super-narrow niche specialists who think they know everything about everything. Paul Stamets is the epitome of egomaniacal monomania to the point that, in Season 3, Detmer, the Discovery’s helmsman (whose only personality traits are PTSD and a cybernetic brain implant) finally snaps and calls him out on it. Indeed, the only time Stamets appears capable of showing any interest in anything other than himself and his mushroom project is when it comes to indulging anyone who thinks they’re sexually non-binary. He’s a scientist! He should know better!"
Ship’s Counselor: Winn Adami"Easily the most grating character on “Deep Space Nine,” Winn represents the worst of the Bajoran species. Roddenberry loved to poke at past-and-present human failings by presenting alien species whose cultures center around one of them. Thus we got the war-mongering Klingons, the hyper-capitalist Ferengi, the slave-trading Orions, and, of course, the religious fundamentalist Bajorans. But since today we still think priests and preachers are qualified to help people with mental illnesses and emotional problems (when, in fact, it takes a pretty severe case of delusion to subscribe to any faith), we may as well let this old biddy be Ship’s Counselor. I can’t wait for her to try Gay Conversion Therapy on Stamets…"
Medical: Kes"Man, “Voyager” really did have a lot of awful characters. Kes first appeared as Neelix’s girlfriend/pet when the titular ship first picked him up. Kes’s species is just full of nonsensical problems, ranging from their mayfly-tier lifespans, their unnecessarily-gross reproductive processes, and genetic memory. Mercifully, the show ditched her before too long (apparently because the actress that portrayed her was certifiably nuts too), but our terrible ship needs someone who knows medicine, and somehow none of the series have had particularly awful doctors."
Chief Engineer: Trip Tucker"Charles “Trip” Tucker III is essentially a Redneck mechanic in space. Sure, he can keep the experimental NX-01 Enterprise running, but at the cost of being a dopey, drawling nincompoop whose crowning achievement was getting impregnated by a female alien."
Transporter Chief/Quartermaster: Grebnedlog"There is only one way to describe the pakled species encountered by the Enterprise-D: Space Retards. Between Chief O’Brien’s experiences as Transporter Chief and the fact that ‘pakled’ seems, itself, to be a riff on ‘packrat,’ based on the species’ love of hoarding technology they don’t (and don’t want to) understand, putting the captain of a pakled ship in charge of cargo is a natural fit. Of course, this assignment is bound to lead to a transporter accident or ten, and with Neelix, Tuvok, and Stamets on the crew, we’re bound to end up with another Tuvix situation, only this time made permanent through something-something mushroom dimension."
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