By Nelson Schneider - 06/08/12 at 05:28 PM CT

After last year’s exciting E3, this year was a significant let down. Just when it seemed E3 was recovering from its near crash-and-burn in 2006, we get another year full of blandness, secrets, and overall malaise. While there were still a few rays of hope in E3 2012, it was a disappointing showing from all the major players.

Microsoft:
Want: Nothing
Not Sure if Want: Nothing
Do Not Want: Everything (SmartGlass, Kinect, new Xbox games)

Microsoft did a great job this year of reinforcing my disdain for the Xbox 360. Between SmartGlass (useless for someone who doesn’t own a smartphone or tablet), a variety of Kinect retardation (the Kinect should be solely used for UI navigation, never for gameplay), and the usual slew of ‘M for Juvenile’ games I am so fond of ignoring, MS may as well have stayed home and continued working on Windows 8.

Sony:
Want: “PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale,” “LittleBigPlanet Karting”
Not Sure if Want: PS3 Wheel, “Ni no Kuni”
Do Not Want: Anything Vita, other new PS3 games

Sony didn’t do a lot that impressed me. While I think their rip-offs of Nintendo party games, “PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale” and “LittleBigPlanet Karting” look amazing and fun, they also look a whole lot like games I have already played on Nintendo consoles. Hopefully Sony’s second-party development teams can put some interesting spin on these projects to make them more than just clones. Other than those two games, all of the new upcoming PS3 games are about as appealing and interesting as the slate of upcoming Xbox 360 games: Big-budget equivalents to summer action/popcorn movies... that is to say, stuff I have no interest in playing. Even the new footage of “Ni no Kuni,” a game I have been anticipating for over a year now, did little to inspire confidence, as it made the game look more like a typical loli-infested RPG I’d expect to see from the likes of Gust. The fact that Studio Ghibli is involved might still save “Ni no Kuni,” as Ghibli is usually able to crank-out stories starring little kids that still manage to appeal to adults.

One thing that moderately piqued my interest was the PS3 Wheel, a PS Move compatible harness designed for racing games. While I don’t like unanchored steering in Wii racing games and avoid using the Wii Wheel whenever possible, the PS3 Wheel looks to have a variety of buttons and throttles, making it more than just a plastic frame. These extra features might allow the PS3 Wheel to be useful in motion-controlled games that don’t focus on driving.

The PS Vita appears to be just as big of a miscarriage as the PSP. The number of new games coming to the handheld is miniscule, and the only one that caught my interest was “New Little King’s Story.” While I love the original Wii version of “Little King’s Story,” the fact that the Vita version isn’t actually a sequel, but an enhanced port (comparable, for example, to the original Xbox 360 version of “Overlord” compared to the PS3’s “Overlord: Raising Hell”) means I still have no reason to own a Vita. Of course, the point is moot, as Sony would need to release an easy-to-use method for playing Vita games on a TV screen for me to even consider buying one.

Nintendo:
Want: “New Super Mario Bros. U,” “Pikmin 3,” Pro Controller
Not Sure if Want: Tablet Controller with poor battery
Do Not Want: Anything 3DS, “NintendoLand,” Miiverse

Nintendo revealed a bit more about the WiiU, but still didn’t nail down the two details we all want to know: How much will it cost, and when will it release? That said, we now know that the WiiU will support 2 tablety controllers (at the sacrifice of 50% of the framerate) and that the batteries in these tablety controllers will last 2-5 hours (i.e., not very damn long). At least Nintendo did show off something that hardcore Wii owners (we do exist!) have been wanting for years: A Pro Controller that wirelessly connects directly to the console – no Wiimote required.

As for games, Nintendo showed off an even mix of good and bad. I’m eagerly awaiting “Pikmin 3” and “New Super Mario Bros. U” (is that a college?), but everything else was bland and unimpressive. What boggles my mind is why Nintendo is releasing a crappy collection of tech demos with the WiiU instead of just including “New Super Mario Bros. U” as a pack in game. Nintendo has always been the most successful when they include a 2D ‘Mario’ game with their console (cases in point: NES + “Super Mario Bros.” and SNES + “Super Mario World”). Instead, "NintendoLand" looks to be even lamer than "WiiSports" and includes demo titles that sound like carefully-worded Chinese knock-offs. “Luigi’s Ghost Mansion?” Really?

Then, of course, there’s the big to-do over the fact that Nintendo is planning to launch not just a comprehensive online system, but will add a Nintendo-centric social network to our lives. For me, Google+ and MeltedJoystick are the only social networks I need, so being more-or-less strong-armed into using the Miiverse in order to play games on the WiiU rubs me the wrong way. And it’s Nintendo, so you know it will have censorship up the ass in the name of ‘protecting the children’ (who are all on Xbox Live shrieking racial slurs at random strangers).

The 3DS doesn’t seem to have improved much after the dire situation that caused Nintendo to abruptly drop its price. While it does have a handful of somewhat-appealing games (like “Luigi’s Mansion 2”), none of them look to be the type of thing I’d want to play while staring at two tiny, blurry, 3D screens for hours.

Other:
Want: “Final Fantasy Dimensions” (not on a phone, though)
Not Sure if Want: Nothing
Do Not Want: “Agni’s Philosophy”

Outside of the Big Three console makers’ conferences, the only other news out of E3 that caught my eye was Square-Enix related. I was pleased to see that Square-Enix will soon be releasing “Final Fantasy Dimensions,” a throw-back, old-school ‘Final Fantasy’ game that looks to take the series back in time to a point before “Final Fantasy 7” ruined it. Of course, Square-Enix couldn’t make things easy and release this game on WiiWare, WiiUWare (or whatever it may be called), PSN, or Live, but instead plans to release it on smartphones. “Final Fantasy 4: The After Years” is the best ‘Final Fantasy’ game released this-gen, and it started life as a smartphone game, yet found success on both WiiWare and the PSP. What would be so difficult about releasing “Final Fantasy Dimensions” on the same two platforms?

Square-Enix also showed-off a real-time rendering demo of their new Luminous Engine. They obviously plan to use this engine to make future ‘Final Fantasy’ games… but so-called ‘bad graphics’ aren’t the problem with ‘Final Fantasy’ and the recent slandering of its name by… well… everyone. The problem ‘Final Fantasy’ has been facing is one of story and characters. And based on the “Agni’s Philosophy” demo, Square-Enix still has no idea what they are doing. Yes, the graphics are stunning, but I have no interest in playing a ‘Final Fantasy’ game that takes place in a world filled with gun-toting Arabesque terrorists who inject Umbrella Corporation green fluid into hyenas to turn them into monsters. There is little fantasy in ‘Final Fantasy’ anymore, and until Square-Enix fixes that oversight, fans (at least me) will continue to gripe.