By Nelson Schneider - 12/28/14 at 02:41 PM CT

2014 was a long and painful road to travel. While normally I like to look at five spectacular wins and five epic fails during my end-of-year retrospective, 2014 didn’t actually have any wins. Instead, it was a year of epic failures, topped-off with a sugary coating of missed deadlines and unmet expectations. It has been one of the most dire years for gaming since 1983!

Fails

5. Facebook Buys Oculus Rift, Kickstarters Kicked to the Curb
For a while there, it looked like virtual reality was going to be the 8th Generation’s gimmick, what with Sony working on Project Morpheus and the Oculus Rift getting huge Kickstarter support to bring VR to the PC. Unfortunately, instead of sticking with their Kickstarter backers, Oculus decided to take some Big Evil Corporate money when Mark Zuckerberg’s Lovecraftian tentacle monster, Facebook, bought the VR startup. Now, not only did all of that Kickstarter money, which was ostensibly going to Oculus, end up in Facebook’s pockets, but the ability for backers to provide feedback and input that comes with Indie development has been superseded by Mark Zuckerberg’s ability to be rich. Yay, capitalism.

4. Generation Remaster
The 8th Generation got off to a particularly lame start, with most of the hyped-up releases on the three new consoles taking the form of HD remakes. While this wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy if the games in question were much-beloved classics of yesteryear, the reality of the situation is that these are remakes of games from the most recent two generations. Microsoft is leaning on “Halo” so hard that Master Chief has developed a case of scoliosis. Sony is swimming in remasters to the point of ridiculousness. Even Nintendo decided to remaster “The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker” and release HD versions of Wii virtual console games on the WiiU. Of course, all of this remastery comes with a healthy dose of consumer-screwing, as the only reason anyone would need a remake of such recent games is the fact that backward compatibility has fallen by the wayside. Why allow users to continue using their games when you can sell them additional copies of the same game at full price?

3. “AAA” Games All Launch Broken-er Than Usual
I have lamented the state of “AAA” game development since that inane term first came into vogue. It all started with Bethesda and other PC-centric developers taking their half-assed development methodologies into the console arena at the start of the 7th Generation. With the ability to patch any software after the fact, none of these developers really care about releasing a finished product, especially when money-grubbing publishers are breathing down their necks about budgets and deadlines. I have always held that the entire “AAA” business model is self-destructive, and it looks like more and more developers are going to start feeling its sting over the course of the 8th Generation. Even Nintendo games are starting to come with day-one patches! It’s a travesty!

2. Gamergate/Quinnspiracy
We here at MeltedJoystick have refrained from touching this landmine with a 39.5-foot pole. The reason being, of course, that no matter which side you take, you’ll be associating with a bunch of world-class douchebags. The whole situation amounts to militant feminists and 4-Chan trolls getting into a bitch-slap contest, using the entire medium of videogames as their battleground. Long-time gaming enthusiasts have nothing in common with either group of these bullies, but instead are stuck in the middle, as nerds so often are, being accused of either ridiculous Social Justice Warrior levels of fringe Liberalism or elite-tier stalking, doxing, threatening, and general ass-hattery. The only way to win is not to play, but by not playing it’s guaranteed that the feminists or trolls will win. I don’t even…

1. Sony Hacked by North Korea, Lizard Squad
Remember back in 2011 when PSN was hacked and taken offline for weeks? Remember the follow-up hacks against Sony’s online assets? Well, those pale in comparison to the downright incompetence of Sony’s 2014 hack by, of all places, the impoverished and barely-online country of North Korea. Yes, Sony’s online security policies and executive stupidity lead numerous sensitive passwords to be broadcast via unencrypted email, which allowed ‘hackers’ (actually phishers) from North Korea to infiltrate Sony’s Cloud and disseminate a variety of things, ranging from personal emails revealing just what horrible human beings Sony’s executives are to pre-release versions of upcoming Sony Pictures movies. And why did North Korea do this? Because Sony Pictures is the studio that produced the Seth Rogen/James Franco comedy film “The Interview,” in which those two boneheaded actors are involved in a fictional assassination attempt on North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Un. Worst of all was when Sony decided to cave to North Korea’s terrorist demands to pull the movie from public release. President Obama and I (among many others) called out Sony for their cowardice and stupidity, which made the company reverse its decision and release the movie anyway. After this entire debacle, I don’t feel any confidence in any of Sony’s online endeavors. I mean, PSN has always been a dog-slow PoS that is down just as much as it is up… and now this?

Of course, the North Korea incident isn’t even the most recent online-infrastructure snafu. Right before Christmas, a group of online miscreants calling themselves Lizard Squad promised to take both PSN and Xbox Live offline on Christmas via DDoS attacks. Sony and MS had plenty of warning and an exact date for the expected attack… yet both companies managed to let their gaming networks crumple in the wake of the attacks. This wasn’t even a proper hack!


Should-Have-Been Wins

5. World says, “YAY!” to PlayStation 4… Nobody Knows Why
Everyone loves the PlayStation 4, but nobody – NOT EVEN SONY – knows why. Between the unspectacular library of ports, remasters, and multi-platform releases, I think Sony needs to officially rename the PS4 as the PortStation 4. I guess it’s all those Xbox 360 ex-patriots fleeing the dictatorship of the XBONE who think buying last-gen exclusives with slightly-H-er-D graphics is an awesome way to spend money.

4. WiiU Library Experiences First-Party Resurgence… Too Late
The WiiU is finally home to a new 2D ‘Mario’ game, a 3D ‘Mario’ game, a ‘Mario Kart’ game, a ‘Smash Bros.’ game, and something vaguely resembling a ‘Zelda’ game. Nintendo’s good to go! With all of those safe bets in the library, the WiiU is guaranteed to move tons of units and attract plenty of love from the Japanese third-parties that made the NES and SNES into the powerhouses of their time. Oh, wait, all of those system seller titles came to the WiiU TWO YEARS TOO LATE! We buried the WiiU in 2013, and despite Nintendo finally offering some appropriate first-party support to the corpse, it won’t be coming back to life without third-parties to complete the necromantic ritual. Even the Gamecube had some decent third-party support. The two Nintendo consoles that didn’t, the N64 and Virtual Boy, will ever live in infamy… I predict the WiiU will soon be joining them.

3. Mobile Gaming Booms… Thanks to Garbage Like “Flappy Bird”
Apparently, selling mobile phone/tablet games on iTunes and Google Play is a very lucrative endeavor. Mobile gaming experienced a huge year, with major money-makers hitting the market, one of which was so addictive and profitable that the developer took it offline. What are these incredible new gaming experiences? “Flappy Bird” and “Kim Kardashian Hollywood.” There are not enough faces and not enough palms in the universe to express my dismay at this situation. This is NOT improving gaming as a medium nor as a culture. It’s exploitative, capitalistic advantage-taking, and it’s disgusting.

2. Sixense STEM… Delayed
I’ve been excited about getting my hands on a wireless version of the Razer Hydra since it was first announced. I even ordered one back in October, expecting Sixense to follow-through with their promised December 2014 delivery date. On December 23, I got an email from Sixense saying that they are currently working on the STEM units that were ordered, but the delivery date is now March of 2015. Instead of an amazing Christmas gift for motion-loving gamers, we get a lump of coal and promises of something an entire season away.

1. Steam Machines… Delayed
Everyone likes to say that all of the 8th Generation hardware has officially launched. That’s not 100% true. While PC gaming is still trucking along with brand-new 8th Gen GPUs from Nvidia in the form of the GTX 970 and 980, Valve has stalled in their production of an adorable box with a universal controller to house those new GPUs. Gabe Newell’s company has a reputation for operating in a time warp, but early on it looked like Steam Machines and the Steam Controller were moving along at a brisk pace. WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US, LORD GABEN?!